Por que merdas acontecem?

[Hugo]

Taoísta:
Merdas acontecem.

Budista:
Se merdas acontecem, então não são merdas.

Muçulmano:
Se merdas acontecem, é a vontade de Alá.

Protestante:
Merdas acontecem porque você não trabalha o suficiente.

Judeu:
Por que merda sempre acontece conosco?

Hinduísta:
Essa merda já aconteceu antes.

Católico:
Merdas acontecem porque você é mal.

Espírita:
Por que você fez merda em outra vida.

Hare Krishna:
Merdas acontecem rama rama!

Evangelista televisivo:
Mandem mais merda.

Ateu:
Merda nenhuma.

Testemunhas de Jeová:
Toc-toc, merdas acontecem!

Hedonista:
Nada como uma boa merda acontecendo!

Quevedianos:
Merdas só acontecem na sua mente.

Agnósticos:
Talvez merdas aconteçam, talvez não.

Rastafariano:
Vamos fumar essas merdas.

Existencialista:
O que é merda?

Estóico:
Essas merdas não me incomodam.

[Aurelio Moraes]

Gente, vamos por favor evitar estes termos chulos. Eles não condizem com nosso ateísmo. Temos que ser mais unidos, não podemos usar termos de baixo calão. Se ficarmos usando palavras assim, vão achar que os ateus possuem um pobre vocabulário e são desunidos.


Vamos parar de usar essa palavra, gente.
Se vocês reincidirem, vou ter que trancar este tópico.
É muito chato ter que fazer isso.
Vamos acalmar os ânimos, por favor.

[Tranca]

Algumas traduções não ficaram boas.

Tem outra versão melhor do original:

Taoism: Shit happens.

Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."

Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.

Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism: This shit has happened before.

Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.

Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.

Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.

Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.

Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.

Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.

Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.

Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.

Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.

Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.

Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)

Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.

Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?

Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.

Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.

Creationism: God made all shit.

Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.

Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!

Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.

Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.

Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.

Utopianism: This shit does not stink.

Darwinism: This shit was once food.

Capitalism: That's MY shit.

Communism: It's everybody's shit.

Feminism: Men are shit.

Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...

Commercialism: Let's package this shit.

Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.

Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.

Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.

Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?

Stoicism: This shit is good for me.

Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!

Mormonism: God sent us this shit.

Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.

Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.

Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.

Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.

Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?

Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its
happening.

Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.

Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.

Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.

Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.

Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.

Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?

Agnostic #3: What is this shit?

Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.

Atheism: What shit?

Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!

Nihilism: No shit.

And of course we must add...Alcoholics Anonymous: Shit happens-one day at a time!

Fonte: http://www.thejaywalker.com/pages/shit_happens.html

[Poindexter]

Comunistas: por culpa dos E.U.A..

[Hugo]

Algumas traduções não ficaram boas.

É assim que meu trabalho é recompensado!

[Aranha]

Algumas traduções não ficaram boas.

É assim que meu trabalho é recompensado!

- A tradução ficou uma MERDA....

[Tranca]

Algumas traduções não ficaram boas.

É assim que meu trabalho é recompensado!

Não quis dizer bem isto.

É que em algumas outras versões ficou um pouco mais engraçado.

***

Este é o resumo básico do Shit Happens em várias religiões, filosofias, visões de mundo e profissões. Serve como curso básico em Shit Happens:

[center]SHIT HAPPENS[/center]

in various world religions
------------------------

Taoism:

Shit happens.

If you can shit, it isn't shit.

Shit happens, so flow with it.


Hare Krishna:

Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.

She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it,
she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)

Please this flower and buy our shit.


Confucianism:

Confucious say, "Shit happens".
Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."


Buddhism:

If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.

Shit will happen again to you next time.


Zen:

What is the sound of shit happening?


7th Day Adventism:

Shit happens on Saturdays.


Hinduism:

I've seen this shit before.

This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.

This shit happening IS you.


Protestantism:

If shit happens, it happens to someone else.

If shit happens, praise the lord for it!


Calvinism:

Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.


Episcopalianism:

If shit happens, hold a procession.


Lutheranism:

Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.


Anglicanism:

It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.


Catholicism:

If shit happens, you deserved it.

You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.


Charismatic Catholicism:

Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.


Judaism:

Why does shit always happen to us?

Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?


Reform Judaism:

Got any laxatives?


Islam:

If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

If shit happens, take a hostage.

We don't take any shit.


New Age:

This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.

I create my own shit.

If shit happens, honor it and share it.

Sheeeeeeeeeeit!

We're all part of the same shit.

For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.


Wicca:

If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.

The Goddess makes shit happen.


Jehovah's Witnesses:

No shit happens until Armaggedon.

There is only a limited amount of good shit.

Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."

Here, we insist you take our shit.

Shit happens door to door.


Secular Humanism:

Shit evolves.


Christian Science:

When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.

Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.

Our shit will take care of itself.

Shit in in your mind.


Atheism:

I don't believe this shit.

It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it.

Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.

No shit!


Religion from an Atheist's point of view:

I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.


Agnosticism:

It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so

I'm not sure whether its shit or not.

What is this shit?!

How can we KNOW if shit happens?

You can't prove any of this shit.


Rastafarianism:

Let's smoke this shit!

Hey, this is good shit, mon.


Mormonism:

If shit happens, shun it.

Excrement happens (you can't say shit in Utah)

Hey, there's more shit over here!

Our shit is better than your shit.

Shit happens again & again & again ...


Energizer Bunny:

Shit happens and keeps going and going and going and...


Baptist:

You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.

We'll wash the shit right off you.


Southern Baptist:

Shit will happen. Praise the lord.


Iraqi Baathist:

Oh shit!


Voodoo:

Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.

Let's stick some pins in this shit!

This shit's gonna get you!


Televangelism:

Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening.


Unitarianism:

What is this Shit?

We affirm the right for shit to happen.

Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.

It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.


Orthodox:

St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.


Greek Orthodox:

Shit happens, usually in three's.


Fundamentalism:

There's no shit in the Bible.

Shit happens, but don't publish it.


Amish:

Shit is good for the soil.

This modern shit is worthless.


Shintoism:

You inherit the shit of your ancestors.


Moonies:

Only happy shit really happens.


Stoicism:

This shit is good for me.


Zoroastrianism:

Shit happens half the time.


Bahaism:

Why do you keep shitting on us?


Mysticism:

This is really weird shit.


Paganism:

Shit happens for a variety of reasons.


Rajhneesh:

Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.


Satanism:

We hope bad shit happens to all of you.

We will make your shit happen.


Witchcraft:

Mix this shit together and it will happen.


Scientology:

All this happens to be shit.

If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.


Shamanism:

Whoaa...Holy Shit!


Sikhism:

Leave our shit alone!


Einsteinism:

Shit is Relative.


Nixonianism:

Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything about it.


Reaganianism:

Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.


Clintonianism:

I didn't inhale this shit.

I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....


Bushianism:

Read my lips: no more shit!

Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.

This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.


McCarthyism:

Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?

***

Martin Luther King: Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...

Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)

IBM/DOS: It's shit, but at least it's compatible.

Communism: It's everybody's shit.

Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike. Dictatorship of the shit.

Capitalism: Shit happens, and it'll cost you! If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.

Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is. Shit happening is absurd.

Realism: I think I need to take a shit.

Denialism: What shit?

Purists: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.

Procrastinationism: I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.

Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.

Repressionism: I'll hold this shit in forever.

Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen!

Surrealism: Fish!

Moilanenism: Smells like shit of finnish fish.

Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up!

Fetishism: I love when shit happens.

Masochism: Do shit to me!

Sadism: I will shit on you!

Freudianism: Shit is a phallic symbol.

***

SHIT HAPPENS according to the Philospohers


Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit

Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it.

Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit?

Aristotle: The essence of shittyness...

Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit? I shit, therefore I am.

Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire): The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.

Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life.

Sartre: Shit is meaningless! What is shit, anyway?

***

SHIT HAPPENS in various professions

Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...

Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.

Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen.

Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen.

Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.

Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up. Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!

Biologist: Is this shit alive?

Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.

Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't do this shit until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...

Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.

Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning.

Yes, it's definitely a case of shit. $99.95, please...

Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?

Psychologist: Shit is in your mind.

Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.

Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.

Social Scientist:Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...

Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected.

If you elect me, there will never again be shit.

Shit is bad for the economy.

Waitress: You want fries with that shit?

Musician: This shit is out of tune.

Quality Control Inspector: This shit ain't good enough.

IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.

Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.

Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.

Mafia boss: Rub the shit out.

NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...